“Out of dad’s mind” is written by an MBA graduate who shares his journey of raising a child before, throughout and after the MBA.
Feels like someone came in, dropped someone else’s baby, and ran out.
I’m a dad? Me? I must have gone mad. I didn’t think this through.
“Nurse, excuse me, I want a refund. Can I exchange it for a PlayStation?”
The nurse is not amused. Got to shut up before she calls social services.
OK, so no going back. She starts making these cute faces, and my wife says judging by the amount she poops – she definitely took something from me.
In weird way, I feel proud.
I start whining about my young and cool life being over, and my wife Olga says I was never cool anyway so I’ve got to man up and take responsibility for my daughter.
Then, I get a hold of myself and decide I’ll change her diaper. “I can do it” I say to myself. I take off the used diaper and the moment I do so, she decides to poop.
This moment will come to define our relationship for the near future.
Despite the “surprise” I managed to change the diaper and she smiles at me. She sure is cute. Maybe I’m not a hopeless dad after all.
We named her Abigail.
We’re back home with Abigail.
A marathon of Skype calls begins in which we proudly present our little achievement to family and friends. My wife says I shouldn’t brag since my contribution was minor (totally not!).
Everyone we spoke with kindly mentioned how lucky we are that Abigail looks like her mom and not me.
My parents! celebrated with “thank God she looks like Olga”.
Sadly I tend to agree.
After 12 hours of Skype calls and detailed instructions on how we should raise our daughter – we went to sleep. Or at least that’s what we thought.
Abigail decided it’s time to test her vocal cords. From 11pm till 3am she cried as if she found out she’s stuck with me for the next 20 or so years. Olga was changing, feeding and trying to put her to sleep while I’m cheering (whining) from the bed.
3:00 am: with great confidence, I decide to give it a try. “That’s my first test as a father” I say to myself.
3:03 am: I run out of patience and debate between locking her in the closet and sending her to adoption.
Olga felt sorry for me and decided we should use our secret weapon – her mother (who was staying with us). It took Olga’s mom two minutes to put her to sleep. I wanted to cry out of embarrassment but was too tired so just went to sleep.
I failed miserably in my first test as a father but many more would come.
Olga will improve while I’ll give up and develop a highly effective noise filtering technique.
As I mentioned, pooping during diaper change was a defining moment in my relationship with Abigail.
Since then it seems that every time I change her diaper she has some bowel movement that same moment. I’m starting to think I have the effect of a stool softener on her. She doesn’t seem to care for my pleas to hold it for two more minutes.
So Olga and I are having a nice quite evening when the familiar smell of sewage appears. I suggest to Olga that it’s her turn to change the diaper. In return she suggests that I’ll start waking up with her at night. 10 seconds later I’m changing the diaper.
It seems I haven’t won an argument in this relationship since we got married.
So I’m changing the diaper. I turn left to grab a wipe then I hear the sudden sound of explosion. I turn right and see the following frightening sight: poop flying in the air, hitting the wall, landing on the floor – poop everywhere.
With my last breath of fresh air I shout OLGA! My wife runs into the room barefoot and steps right into a pile of poop (a little devil inside me screams – revenge!!).
We cleaned up the room and I could swear I heard Abigail laughing. I tell you there is a little devil inside this cute girl, she probably got it from Olga.